End of an Era

Our lives have changed. Ever so suddenly, ever so bittersweetly. Cornelius and I have been away for a very long time from this online haven for the depraved, bored and obscene. Much has happened to us, much that we cannot disclose for the safety of Formicidae the world over. But trust is among us within these pages, and it is time to share but a bit of our experiences. Read on only if you wish, as you're never forced to play any of our reindeer games.

Previously, our world revolved around one place, one company. It shall remain nameless because we wouldn't want to be sued or be painted bitter. It was the greatest company in the world, and all of our clients and vendors should model themselves on it. That was the attitude of the President of the company, let's call him Insane for brevity's sake. Actually, it wasn't really his attitude, that's unfair... those were his real words. It is said that some folks balance on the tightrope of brilliance and insanity, sometimes leaning more on one side before balance again wins. Insane fell off of that oh-so-thin rope, plummeted through miles of dense fog and landed forehead deep in the dark blue muck on one of those sides. I won't say which.

I will not bore you with the financials of this nameless company (millions more in revenue year after year, with a profit margin any financial analyst would check thrice to see if it was true), or the happiness of the employees (stellar salary, retirement, perks and benefits, not to mention almost no turnover), or even client satisfaction, spotless Quality record (see, this one's important as this industry is regulated, and lives are at stake) or the new state-of-the-art building that will boast the most advanced laboratories, manufacturing and information technology (wink wink) structure in the industry. No, I will entertain you with decisions made by Insane himself, with some side stories that are the result of them. Hold on to your codpieces.

Well to start off, it's a small company, just short of 50 indentured servants. There were three Directors, each heading the major departments, and all co-owners and founders with Insane as well. Insane's first major decision (stunt?) was hiring a new Director of Administration. We will call her Dipshit for brevity's sake. Dipshit's "training" was in the financial realm with absolutely no experience in administration or Human Resources, and to top it off, she had never worked in a regulated industry, such as, say, pharmaceutical manufacturing. Oh yeah, Dipshit was never interviewed by the other three Directors... she just kind of started.

Well the happy employees now had someone to trust and count on for all things relating to HR, thanks to Insane's hiring of Dipshit. She was always on top of things when asked for anything HR related, and would get back to the happy employees within days or weeks, sometimes twice because the original information was incorrect. One of the first things Dipshit did of any importance was to hire an Office Manager with financial background training (yes, I know, redundancy at its best). You see, Dipshit couldn't really work on the finances for the company (as expected upon her hire), because she was much, much too busy taking out garbage, assembling furniture, shagging Insane's son, who we will call Bonehead for brevity's sake, ordering lunches and not much else. But I digress.

Insane decided that the happy employees were not working hard enough for him, despite the minimum ten hour workdays, huge profit margins and happy clients. Insane, with the help of Dipshit, started to change things. Basically anyone that Dipshit didn't like, because they caught her and Bonehead in a compromising position, or was more attractive than her, or was well-liked in the company, was let go. And Dipshit herself was not at any of the exit interviews of those terminated or resigned. Yes, the happy employees started resigning, some not even for other jobs. In ten months, the company lost two Directors, two Managers, at least seven full-timers and easily a dozen others (temps to hire).

Well there's some background for ya.

There are so many stories to tell, it's easy to lose track...
Stories like how Bonehead spilled battery acid, but Dipshit spun it so it was blamed blatantly on another.
Stories like how Dipshit repeatedly showed up at meetings with horribly incorrect financial numbers (remember the financial background???), or simply stared out the window and said nothing.
Stories like how Insane stood in front of the company praising the new "billable hours tracking" as a way of correctly billing clients and how it would not be used against the happy employees, and only two weeks later used it (incorrectly on top of it) against a happy employee.
Stories like how Dipshit spread a rumor about two happy employees' romantic involvement (1. false 2. remember Bonehead?) and three days later Insane threatened to fire anyone involved in rumors.
Stories like how a client praised the company and happy employees at a project closing meeting in front of Insane and the three real Directors, only to have Insane bash the happy employees for constantly making mistakes.
...Ahh, so many good times.

Well now neither Cornelius nor myself are still at the nameless company. We feel confident that Insane is still paranoid, Dipshit is doing something trivial or Bonehead, and the company is losing money. Cornelius has moved on to manage a herd of estranged bison while having more time for his hobbies such as cubicle fabric design and measuring various lengths of string. I have gone out on my own to explore the world's napkin factories and photographing the flight of grass blades inside hurricanes.
We aspire to work again together, to make a difference, to bring our unique combination of axle assembly and paperclip straightening to new heights. This epic has shown our struggle, our strife, our shitty times. Do not fret, we have overcome! We will continue to document our experiences and share with you all that is Horatio and Cornelius.