Goals

The New Year had me thinking for weeks and weeks about setting goals, as since we are all sheep, it's ingrained in our heads to make new goals for the new year. "Make that new goal!!!", "Lose that weight!!", "Procrastinate less!!", "Stop fondling the neighborhood pets!!", "Get that bowling trophy-shaped protrusion on your right thigh looked at by a real doctor!!"... yeah, they're all the same. This all comes after we are expected to eat like warthogs, swap spit with hated relatives and travel among the other mentally deranged holiday goers... yet I digress. My first goal had to be to make goals for myself for the new year... Cornelius is on his own, as he was last seen attempting to climb telephone poles in nothing but flip flops and a kilt somewhere in Montserrat.

I'm writing this after spending three and a half hours trying to touch my toungue to the tip of my nose, and now the underside of said tongue feels like it has been stretched like the screaming suspenders of an overeating Samoan, and I have drool from my bottom lip to my upper thigh. This shows that I am persistent, and a persistent person can achieve their goals. I have not achieved one goal in my entire life, but I have persistently made goals for myself. My better talent is making goals for those around me; family, friends, enemies, complete strangers, TV personalities. Not goals in the sense that I am delegating responsibilities, no no no no no. "Goals" in the way that they don't even KNOW about them. This way, they continually fail miserably, and then I don't feel so bad about me not reaching one of mine. See how this works?

Here was one of my favorites: a cousin of mine was doing great in his life... he nabbed a fine job, started dating a toenail model, was driving a car worth ten times as many typical hovels located near a major airport, hit the lottery four months straight, and even discovered a new type of cork. This was years ago, mind you, but things have not changed for him, in fact they have only gotten better. But see, he has not achieved the goals that I set for him.
What goals?
Well simply enough, he has not become President of the Benevolent Order of Lemurs, Poughkeepsie chapter (partly because he doesn't live within 1500 miles of Poughkeepsie). He has also not achieved the phsyical prowess of Wilt Chamberlain (my cousin is, after all, 5'2"), nor has he been able to drive two cars simultaneously (WITHOUT the use of a remote control, Jared... no matter HOW much you protest!!!) He is still successful, intelligent and an all-around gentleman with an optimistic look at life in general... but he hasn't achieved his (my) goals.

The goals I have set for myself have been in the order of the mundane (refill my Zippo lighter - oh no, I don't smoke, but one never knows when one needs a Zippo), to the more lavish (skydive naked from an aeroplane - I actually tried this, but the instructor I would be tethered to protested vehemently). Not really sure if my goals have an expiration date, per se, but I'd like to think that there's usually a completion window of a year after my goal is created. So to that point I decided that any future goals would be LIFELONG instead of the short-term. This changes things dramatically, as you can imagine.

My first would have to include me being cremated once I die. Not really a goal one would think, because, after all, I'd be dead, and "lifelong goal" usually implies when I am alive. But see, this is where the goal comes in... my goal is to somehow, some way KNOW of my impending death. Yet that still is not the goal. Once I would know of the impending death, I would then secretly (this is the key) embed fireworks in my body. There would be no autopsy, which would discover the hidden stash, of course. I am talking many, MANY pyrotechnic pieces, and I would do what would be necessary... ahead of time I would sew some under my skin, closer to the time of death I would swallow as many as possible, and really close I'd utilize various orafices. This might sound bizarre to some, but I am a man that likes a good surprise.

I won't bore you with the mundane goals, and I don't make goals that I don't plan on trying. Oh they are all realistic to me, and I have all intentions of pursuing them. So washing my shoe laces, dusting my plastic philadendron and connecting my index and little fingers on my left hand are among the ordinary.

Because the fireworks goal comes near the end of my fruitful life, there is a lot of time in between to achieve other such beauties. I am formulating many, because I want my life to be fulfilling, exciting, unexpected and profound. Another major goal (if I can be so bold as to separate one from the others) has to do with my short hair, a cactus and one of my pet alligator gars. Basically, what I plan to do, and this takes some cautious, extensive prepwork, and I still need to purchase the right intensity blow torch, is to...

Well I do apologize for this, but I was just contacted by a client in Calcutta who is having a computer problem. I must fly out immediately and aid this person, as the fate of the free world rests on his password being reset.
-Horatio